my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
