she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
