Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
