Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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