I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
