I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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