Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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