More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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