it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
