she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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