Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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