I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
