just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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