I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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