Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
