She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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