I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
