dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Boobs are out for the taking
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
