My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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