My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
