he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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