So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
