this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
