Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
