I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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