So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
