I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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