if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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