I don't usually arrange sex via text message
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
