There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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