yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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