dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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