yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
