the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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