you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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