The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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