they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
