Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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