In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dicks are not precious.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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