Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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