I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
