God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
