Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
