My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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