Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
