literally had 100 drinks last night.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
