Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
