she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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