I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
