Plan B is the new Plan A
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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