i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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