he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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