everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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