You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We just shotgunned beers for America
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
