Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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