Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
