Dude my mom stole all your condoms
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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